Reader Response Draft #2:
In the article "The Perils of Over-sharing in Social Network, Emm (2014) states that over-reliance on the internet makes us susceptible to unwarranted threats to personal and organizational security. Many people post online to notify their social circles about their whereabouts, which also increases the accessibility to one's private information. The growing trend poses a risk to not only oneself, but also to their company's image, should they divulge their organization's information. The author suggests users to enhance their device and internet security and to be wary of what one shares on social media.
Being part of the Generation Y population, my view parallels to the author's as I personally experience the growing dependency on my phone and the internet to get many daily life tasks such as banking and shopping done. The brag culture pervades the era we are in now, living with the phenomenon of "pictures or it didn't happen". Golinkoff (2014) mentions that popular social media apps like Facebook, Instagram and Twitter have made us obsessed about how we appear to everyone else, busying ourselves by narrating to our online audience instead of living in the moment. Such "normal" and seemingly harmless behavior are, in fact, inviting danger upon ourselves as it results in easy access to our private information and allow others to sneak into our lives.
However, the threats lurking on the internet is, in fact, a reflection of reality. While many have said that internet is a dangerous platform that allows anyone and everyone to view your profiles, it could happen off the internet too. Crimes such as bank robbery and burglary still happens, even not within the context of cyberspace. Such dangers are comparable and the threats and risks that are posed by such corruptions - online or offline - are legitimate concerns to everyone. Hence, the article written by Emm accentuates the perils of the internet, while disregarding the crimes that could occur even without the use of the internet.
Likewise, Emm addresses the issue of privacy invasion due to the government's omnipresence online and I agree that this may result in disagreements among a large number citizens. This hot debate and never-ending struggle to find the delicate balance between privacy and personal security continues to exist as long as there is dependability on the internet. As people exchange emails and surf the internet, they are being tracked of their activities. The term "Big Brother is watching you" has then been formulated, encapsulating the idea of the government snooping behind the screens of the citizens. While such actions are taken to ensure the safety of the people, the issue of individual rights to privacy still persists.
Even though the government gets hold of our personal information under surveillance, they are not the most threatening parties online. Schlesinger (2014) affirms that cyber-criminals are the ill-intended ones that internet users have to be truly wary of. These tech-related criminals are seeking out for loopholes and vulnerabilities that are shared online by careless and unaware users and they would jump at the opportunity to hack into accounts and important information like PIN number. They are the ones who are after financial data and money.
To sum up, while Emm gives a very elaborate picture of the negative consequences of the internet, he seems to exaggerate upon how dependency on the internet jeopardizes our personal lives, negating other possible crimes that could happen offline too. He also brings up the citizens' uneasiness with government's prying involvement in our online activities but fails to address the importance of such action in order to guard citizen's security.
(599 words)
References:
Emm, D. (2014). The Perils of Over-sharing in Social Networks. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/david-emm/the-perils-of-over-sharing-in-social-networks_b_5005276.html
Golinkoff, R. (2014). A Conversation About Conversations. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/roberta-michnick-golinkoff/a-conversation-about-conv_b_6590206.html
Schlesinger, J. (2014). Is Big Brother really watching you?. Retrieved from http://www.cnbc.com/id/101719082#
Content & Organization:
ReplyDelete-Author’s claims were clearly stated and well connected
- However, your thesis was not as clear. Only comes up in the last paragraph that you view his stance to be exaggerated- should be somewhere in the first para. This will make your stance clearer.
-Thesis statement should include all your different arguments and viewpoints. We were unsure of your stance till the last paragraph.
-Organization could have been done better. If you moved the third paragraph to the second last paragraph, it would make your essay more coherent.
- Personal examples and outside sources were used well in helping us understand your argument. Everything was well cited.
- “Hence, the article written by Emm accentuates the perils of the internet, while disregarding the crimes that could occur even without the use of the internet.” Be careful of usage of ‘disregard’ as the author never stated that offline threats were unimportant.
Language:
1. “The growing trend poses a risk to not only oneself, but also to their company's image, should they divulge their organization's information.”
- Use this instead of the
- No comma after company’s image
2. “Being part of the Generation Y population, my view parallels to the author's as I personally experience the growing dependency on my phone and the internet to get many daily life tasks such as banking and shopping done. “
- As a part of Generation Y, I have views parallel to the author’s as I personally experience the growing dependency on my phone and the internet to accomplish daily life tasks, such as banking and shopping.
3. “The brag culture pervades the era we are in now, living with the phenomenon of "pictures or it didn't happen".” The subject should be in place of living.
4. “Golinkoff (2014) mentions that popular social media apps like Facebook, Instagram and Twitter have made us obsessed about how we .. “ Should be obsessed with.
5. “Such "normal" and seemingly harmless behavior are, in fact, inviting danger...” Invite danger** Suggestion: no need to use in fact
6. However, the threats lurking on the internet is, in fact,..” Are in fact.
7. “Your profiles” Should be profile as you are singular.
8. “Crimes such as bank robbery and burglary still happens, even not within the context of cyberspace.” Crimes are plural, so write still happen. “Not within context” is wordy. Maybe use “outside of context”
9. Not sure of the use of “Likewise” in the opening of the fourth paragraph.
10. “I agree that this may result in disagreements among a large number citizens.” *large number of citizens
11. Change to “This hot debate and never-ending struggle to find the delicate balance between privacy and personal security will continue to exist as long as there is dependability on the internet.
12. Change to “As people exchange emails and surf the internet, they are being tracked by their activities.”
13. Change to “Even though the government gets a hold of our personal information under surveillance, they are not the most threatening parties online.”
14. Change to “Schlesinger (2014) affirms that cyber-criminals are the ill-intended users that internet surfers have to be truly wary of. These tech-related criminals are seeking loopholes and vulnerabilities that are shared online by careless and unaware users . They would jump at the opportunity to hack into accounts and gain important information,like PIN numbers and other financial data.”
15. To sum up, while Emm gives a very elaborate picture of the negative consequences of the internet, he seems to exaggerate the extent to which dependency on the internet jeopardizes our personal lives…”
16.Change to “He also brings up the citizens' uneasiness with the government's prying involvement in our online activities but fails to address the importance of such actions in guarding the security of citizens.”
Good job!
-Jannie and Naina :)
You've gotten detailed feedback from your peers. As they point out, there is a lot of positive about this response, especially in the way you detail your argument. Still, there are some weaknesses. One is that, as the critique mentions, your idea that the author exaggerates the threat posed over-sharing only becomes clear at the end of the essay. In addition, you state that "the threats lurking on the internet is(are), in fact, a reflection of reality." But I wonder about your support for this.
ReplyDeleteThere are also language issues:
1) The growing trend poses a risk to not only oneself, but also to their company's image, should they divulge their organization's information. > consistent use of pronouns?
2) Being part of the Generation Y population, my view.... > Is your view "being part"?
There are also problems in subject-verb disagreement. And so forth.
Finally, your reference list needs reviewed.
I look forward to your next draft.